Boop!

I haven’t blogged, vlogged or podcasted in fucking ages and I’ve almost been avoiding doing so…not sure why but by putting my fingers to the keyboard I hope to find out or at least put myself back into a creative mindset, which is something I genuinely feel like I’ve been missing recently…even when people nudge/poke me and ask me to create things…I’ve been avoiding it!

I even missed my blog anniversary, 15 years a blogger – some of the posts have been interesting, some thought-provoking, some inane bullshit and some real deep emotional and raw stuff too.

I think something that’s been stopping me from typing is my own concept of self-censorship and awareness of what I’m writing and how it might be perceived, but I’ve never really concerned myself with this in the past so I’m not entirely sure why I’m doing so now – I think it may be loosely or less loosely linked with how I’ve been feeling about a few things relating to my new job and rather than talking openly about them I’ve been kind of closed off – and that closed valve seems to be extending to my whole life and I’ve never been about that.

I’ve been made aware that recently I’ve stopped sharing the real things and aspects of my life that I used to do in the past and I miss that, I want to get myself back to that kind of output and I feel that I’m heading in the right direction now with things.

I’ve discovered that I really don’t deal well with anger, rather than recognising it, addressing it and allowing it in so I can understand it, I’ve been fighting myself to not feel angry and just working myself up to a point of frustration and then feeling all worn out and useless afterwards, my partner has really helped me with this recently, I always had a fear of anger but I now need to have an understanding of it instead.

But it’s really not all doom and gloom, it’s not even close to that, I’ve just been sulky and weird about things at work and let them metastasise into something it didn’t need to be.

I’ve had some really awesome time in 2019 already – Beefmince in January was awesome, I got to see friends I’d not seen in ages, we spent the day after Beefmince in London with a gorgeous puppy and his adorable friend too that we knew from Instagram but never had the pleasure to meet before and I also got to meet someone I’ve been wanting to meet for ages for the first time and since that initial meeting I’ve spent a weekend hanging out with him and he’s kind of awesome and it makes me happy that I’m able to have experiences and friendships like that and I’m looking forward to more adventures soon too!

You’ll notice that I’m not using names in this blog post (where possible) mainly because I don’t know if people want to be mentioned so I just keep it simple and just say how awesome or lovely people are – they know who they are – haha!

Whilst in London with my friend, I went to KOKO in Camden to a night called Buttoned Down Disco, was such a fun night, we got glitter face paint and danced most of the time we were there – it was a straight night and I did find it interesting seeing how straight people do things, because I’ve not really experienced that many straight venues and some of the guys i saw were just plain creepy and some of them wore their coats in the club(?) and my biggest observation is that straight men keep their clothes ON in a club, well as far as I’m aware! LOL! It was a really fun night out, good pop/indie music and really great company too.

Walking through the London Underground at 3am, covered in glitter face paint :3

So I guess my point is, I want to start sharing aspects of my life again, I’m in a good place and I’m just being quieter than normal!

The adorable and incredibly talented Mathieu drew me in a Bara style recently too, I cannot express how flattered I am to be drawn by him!

Drawn by Mathieu Guillaume

His commissions are below, seriously, check him out and support his work!

I know I’ve got some awesome things coming up that I’m looking forward too – friends coming to stay, staying with friends, just enjoying the company of awesome people and hopefully in a few months time I’ll have passed my probation in my new job too!

Anyway, thanks for reading this random blog post!

Also, ionnalee released a new song!

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