I can’t explain why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling at the moment but I can at least try and tell you how.
Every so often a crack in my happy exterior appears and I feel like today is that day, I’ve been in a slump emotionally all day – my motivation to do anything is almost zero and I’m feeling a lot of self-hatred.
Why am I directing hate at myself?
For the last 3 years I have been overweight and although this and previous years I’ve started off well with losing weight – as per usual I have slipped back into old habits and have kind of lost my way with it all.
That’s not all though, I am really fed up with working so far away from home, countless early mornings are starting to get to me a little I feel.
I have tried but failed to be creative today, I started recording a video only to get annoyed at myself, I tried creating a song but my heart wasn’t in it so the last ounce of creativity has been directed at this rather boring and depressing little blog post, I apologise to you if you are reading this twaddle!
I feel like just getting on a train and disappearing for a while, I did this once back in 2004 – I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and just left the house in the middle of the night – I didn’t return home for 4 days.
There has been an hell of a lot of changes in my life over the last 6 months and although I’ve coped with them – I feel like I’m about to reach a metaphorical breaking point but that is why I’m not just letting myself get down about things but actually talking about things in my head.
Last year a friend of mine committed suicide.
My parents split up after 20+ years.
My cats all passed away.
With all these things that have happened I thought I’d coped to the best of my ability but the constant comfort eating is a tell tale sign that I’ve not really coped as well as I’d had imagined, I have always used food as coping mechanism, I think it all stems from my years of being bullied at school.
I really hope I can shake this feeling, I hate feeling like I’m going to cry at any moment.
I also think that through being supportive of others in my life that I’ve drained myself and just need a chance to recharge my batteries and get back to normal, alas I won’t have a chance to rest until the end of April – I just hope I can stay with my head above the water until then.