For about a month or so I’ve been struggling a lot with processing things, I’ve been very aware of my emotions, noticing when they swing from one to the other and recently I seem to get easily triggered by factors which in the past have never usually caused me to react/overreact, but ever since I got ill and better again I’ve felt like I’ve had a layer of myself removed, a layer of confidence and the ability to be me again, someone that doesn’t bottle things up, and I have been doing that recently.
One of the things I’d been holding and carrying around with me was an overwhelming sense of guilt that I felt when my partner also got ill, I really didn’t want him to get ill and I did everything I could to try to make sure that he didn’t, he got vaccinated asap and I made sure I was quarantined for the suggested amount of time. So when he started to fall unwell and showed symptoms identical to my own, my heart sank, I felt like I’d failed him, I wanted to protect him and I wasn’t able to, he must have contracted it during the time before I was admitted to hospital.
At no point did he make me feel any of this guilt, he even told me that I’d have no need to, whilst I was laid in my hospital bed awaiting results because I was really worried he was going to get ill too, but this guilty gravity was something that I was creating myself, I felt like I’d hurt him and for some reason I was almost punishing myself for it.
I’ve been able to share how I’ve been feeling and I’ve really noticed the weight of the guilt that I’d been dragging around with me lifting, it makes me realise that holding on to things and bottling them up NEVER helps, the thing is that if this was one of my friends going through something like this, the first thing I would have said would have been to TALK, I need to make sure I take my own advice more often!