I Hate This Feeling

I hate this feeling, I feel fucking awful.

Imagine having that feeling of impending doom but having it all of the time.

That’s how I feel.

I know I’ve been fairly quiet recently, to be honest I haven’t felt like talking but I just want to try to explain exactly what I’m going through and how I feel at the moment.

About 3 weeks ago after feeling and thinking very dark things I paid a visit to my doctor and told her how I was feeling and I was prescribed Sertraline for depression.

I’ve had depressive moments in my life before but none as heavy and as hard as the one I’m currently in.

This is the first time that I’ve taken the route of taking antidepressants but I needed something and someone to help me cope as I truly felt like I was losing my grip.

I’m writing this at the moment to distract myself from thinking too much as I’ve got horrible panicky feelings in my head and my stomach that are making restless and fidgety and need to try to do something so I don’t start crying.

It’s fucking stupid that I’m a 30-year-old man and I’m finding even the easiest of things hard to do because they start off a pattern of thinking, analysing and hating myself…

That said I do feel like the medication I’ve been prescribed is doing something, I’m not experiencing as many crashing lows as I was although they still do happen unannounced.

A lot of people say that the medication makes you feel numb and level, which I don’t feel yet but over time I’m sure this will happen, I just feel worthless at the moment.

I have been (probably) making myself feel worse by trying to look for jobs, something that’s closer to home and with more hours but so far I haven’t seen anything suitable yet and this cycle of doing so and then comparing myself to other people the same age as me is utterly heartbreaking, I used to think I was capable of so much but the self-confidence I used to muster seems to have totally abandoned me at the moment.

I’ve also had my details passed on, via my GP, to look at having some counselling which might help me get myself into some kind of normality.

I’m so thankful for the support of my family and my friends for being pillars for me recently, owning up to having mental health issues (which depression is) was not easy.

I have an appointment with my GP on Friday so she can re-evaluate how things are going and what the next steps are, it’s really scary you know, opening up completely with a relative stranger about your emotions/wellbeing and crying your eyes out in front of them is SO hard.

I don’t know what else to write.

One thought on “I Hate This Feeling

  • 1st October 2014 at 7:54 pm
    Permalink

    Toby, its Carl here, I have been thinking of you and you know i am always here for you, whatever you want or need, i know you have better people near you and in your life who know you more but im still here if you need a chat, your funny, beautiful and inspiring and please never forget that. i know what your going through, i really do. it is very very hard and i really truly hope things get better for you, im thinking of you always. thank you for sharing with us and allowing us to try and help and support such a fantastic person like yourself 🙂 x x x Carl x x

    Reply

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: