I’ve been wanting to write a post like this for a while, but I’ve not done so. Time to chat for a bit.
Some of you might be aware that last year I lost 40lbs of body weight, I’m still a big guy now, I’m just less bigger, more stronger and less in danger of health issues further down the road.
My weight has been frozen in some kind of stasis. I’ve not gained or lost and I’m still the same weight I was 6 months but there are reasons why I’ve had a little pause and I wanted to kind of get them out of my head and into the universe because I find blogging about things helps me to regain focus and mental strength sometimes.
When I left school I controlled my eating because it was one of many things I was bullied about. I started undereating and overexercising and I lost lots of weight really quickly, the control of my body kind of took over my life and it developed into an eating disorder, I was underweight but still thought I could lose more, I was deeply unhappy but having that control was almost addictive.
So fast forward many years later to the last year or so, after changing my eating habits and exercising more I began to lose weight and felt so positive about it. I lost it slowly and carefully because I was aware of my past issues with eating and I managed to keep it in check. The gym began to become my little sanctuary and I started to train hard, pushing myself and seeing and feeling results and feeling so happy with what I was achieving but I knew that the little addictive controlling side of my was being awakened. I’ve not attended the gym or eaten as well as I could do in the last couple of months because I wanted to process these patterns of my behaviour, to understand them, to learn how to push myself without triggering the extreme sides I know I harbour in my brain.
I used to talk constantly about losing weight but the reason I’m wanting to do so now is for my health and my strength, I want to achieve a few things and doing so and improving my health will allow me to do so.
I think I’m ready to get myself back on the fitness train now, so I thought I’d clear my mind before I did so.