After not eating bread 🍞 for many weeks and benefiting from not doing so in quite a few ways, I ate some yesterday evening – I will not sugar the pill in what I’m about to say happened mere minutes ago.
So I’m sat having a lovely day in the sun in Blyton☀️, taking photos📷, chatting with the other half 👬 when suddenly my stomach feels like it’s being impaled by a red hot poker and I feel a sudden urge to clench harder than I ever thought possible, if you’d have thrown a lump of coal up me I would have guaranteed you a diamond 💎
I power-walked whilst clenching my cheeks, towards the WC🚽, this may have appeared to many to look like a mince, a power-mince, it was not, it was a death defying feat of muscle strength and speed.💪🏻🏃🏼
I got to the bathroom and then…
Hellfire and molten lava exploded from within my bowels💥😱🔥💨💩, I thought I was going to take off with the ferocious velocity!
Crisis averted – although I now feel like I’ve been fucked by the entirety of Nelson’s Column! 😨
But wait, what’s that? NO TOILET ROLL? 😫
I spotted the last remaining blue paper towel sat in the dispenser near the door, the door that seemed like it was light years away.
I didn’t have a choice so I had to waddle, shorts around my ankles to get them, a literal walk of shame – and then the toilet wouldn’t fucking flush! 😓