I can’t explain why I’m feeling the way I’m feeling at the moment but I can at least try and tell you how.Every so often a crack in my happy exterior appears and I feel like today is that day, I’ve been in a slump emotionally all day – my motivation to do anything is almost zero and I’m feeling a lot of self-hatred.

Why am I directing hate at myself?

For the last 3 years I have been overweight and although this and previous years I’ve started off well with losing weight – as per usual I have slipped back into old habits and have kind of lost my way with it all.

That’s not all though, I am really fed up with working so far away from home, countless early mornings are starting to get to me a little I feel.

I have tried but failed to be creative today, I started recording a video only to get annoyed at myself, I tried creating a song but my heart wasn’t in it so the last ounce of creativity has been directed at this rather boring and depressing little blog post, I apologise to you if you are reading this twaddle!

I feel like just getting on a train and disappearing for a while, I did this once back in 2004 – I didn’t tell anyone where I was going and just left the house in the middle of the night – I didn’t return home for 4 days.

There has been an hell of a lot of changes in my life over the last 6 months and although I’ve coped with them – I feel like I’m about to reach a metaphorical breaking point but that is why I’m not just letting myself get down about things but actually talking about things in my head.

Last year a friend of mine committed suicide.

My parents split up after 20+ years.

My cats all passed away.

With all these things that have happened I thought I’d coped to the best of my ability but the constant comfort eating is a tell tale sign that I’ve not really coped as well as I’d had imagined, I have always used food as coping mechanism, I think it all stems from my years of being bullied at school.

I really hope I can shake this feeling, I hate feeling like I’m going to cry at any moment.

I also think that through being supportive of others in my life that I’ve drained myself and just need a chance to recharge my batteries and get back to normal, alas I won’t have a chance to rest until the end of April – I just hope I can stay with my head above the water until then.


  1. Scott says:


    Much love to you! 🙂 Please discuss with your doctor about the possibility of counselling / therapy. It sounds like you need help. You are a wonderful human being & you sound very stressed & depressed.


    Scott aka ramdomthoughts

  2. Veritable Virgo says:

    Toby, you raise some very serious concerns here, and I think this blog is purposeful and is a mechanism allowing you to take an account of how you feel while also reaching out for the support of those who are concerned with your well-being.

    I didn’t find this post boring or depressing, even if it dealt with emotions that may be depressed and the respective evaluations of self-worth that often accompany these emotions. Perhaps I have a different perspective resulting from my training in social work.

    Part of the therapeutic process involves taking an account of your life for it is the foundation or baseline from where changes can be made. While doing a “disappearing act” can cause others in your life to experience stress from not knowing where you are or if you’re safe, perhaps you can plan a mini-vacation and take off to a place where you can take care of you. Unfortunately life has a way of punching us in the gut from time to time, but at the end of the day it is these experiences which I believe help build stronger characters. That is, of course, if the punches aren’t too disabling.

    You also mentioned bullying and using a lot of your personal or emotional energy supporting others. Sometimes, we need to pull back and take care of ourselves. The number rule of thumb is that we cannot possibly take care of others until we take care of ourselves. Those are big words and often they are words that speak to a level of change that is hard to accomplish, but we must take care of ourselves; we must make “us” a priority.

    The over-eating and using food as a source of comfort is a very common thing for many people. Food becomes a friend; it never talks back and it never tells us things we don’t want to hear. Changing your eating behaviors is a long-term commitment that can bring about positive changes, but in my experience, we have to have our emotional brain straightened out before we can be reasonably expected to tackle such a large change in our lives.

    Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if I can be of any help.

    Take care of yourself. Let me know that you’re OK.


  3. Carl says:

    Toby, I was feeling like that after my nan passed away and I’m now on Citilapram for 6 months. And on a waiting list for bereavement couciling. I’m getting better but I still slip to the point that I don’t want to be here. When you talk about disappearing that exactly how I feel allot of the time. We ate all hear for you and your loved by many babe. Please keep strong. X xx Carl.

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