2020 Blog

Hello Darkness, My Old Friend

I’ve been sat here typing and erasing what I’ve written because I don’t really know why I’m writing anything at all, I just have this feeling that I need to write but I don’t really know what is going to become of it, or how it’s going to flow – I just want to open my head and tip out all of the thoughts and feelings that are really just restraining my abilities to function normally.

My motivation on most days is minimal, the idea of taking myself out of my self-imposed comfort is really scary, I’m aware that this is not a good thing but I just don’t have the energy, both physically or mentally to get up and move and any attempts to get me to do so are usually not well received, although the intentions are good, finding my own path to do so stresses me out a lot.

I’ve been taking myself out on walks when I’ve had the energy to do so, which has been helping but there are even days when I find that hard to do, I struggle to engage my brain into a productive mode and this usually means that I’ll spend the day thinking about doing things but then not actually doing them on that day.

I miss interaction with people, a lot – I’m a social person and lockdown has not only stopped that but it’s also made me fearful of socialising with people which doesn’t help, it confuses me because I know I would benefit from seeing people but my brain is worried about the potential of getting ill or unwell and that usually just takes over. Normally I would be able to weigh up the facts and situations and make thought out solutions but my default settings seem to be “nope” at the moment.

I’ve been signed off of work with depression since the end of June after having quite a few really difficult things all happen within a really short space of time, it took my legs from underneath me and I’m still trying to find a way to stand up again, to breath and to function.

Some days are better than others, I can wake up and actually do things that tick some form of checkbox of chemicals in my brain to allow me to feel like I’m actually doing ok but then on the other hand I have days in which I have the best intentions to do things but no drive, no motivation and no emotion.

I miss me, I miss the me that had the drive to want to do things, I want to find him and resurrect him and feel like myself again because I do see moments when I’m having a good day and feel like that person is returning but when I’m having a bad day I can feel like the whole world is against me and expecting things from me that I just can’t give and I struggle HARD with that and I often just close down and cocoon or invert all of that self-disappointment and stress until it disables me completely.

I don’t think that I’m feeling as bad as I did before I was signed off of work, there is definitely an improvement but it’s slow.

I’ve also found myself revisiting past traumas and moments in my life that really affected me because I’m in this mindset and it’s all too much to process at once and I don’t know where to start.

I’m on a waiting list for some counselling through the NHS but I have zero idea when this will materialise but I think it will help my to process things because I think to completely pull myself out of this cyclic mindset, I need to start dealing with the impact of those traumas and and realise that I’ve grown a lot as a person – I can hear myself saying that I need to know my worth in the world, but at the moment I have this feeling that I’m in a recession and my serotonin stock has plummeted.

I need to make better investments into my own mental wellbeing to start making a change, my partner suggested making a weekly list, which I did, but then I shut down and haven’t really done anything from the lists apart from reading.

Looking at the list now, here it is…

  • Exercise at least 3 times a week
  • Incorporate meditation into my day each day
  • Reduce portion sizes for meals
  • Consume less meat and eat more fruit and vegetables
  • Post something to social media about mental health journey daily.
  • Complete a logic puzzle once a day
  • Play chess once a week

So far, I’ve not managed to do any of those things regularly and in a structured way, which is definitely what I need and that has been having a negative effect on me, reducing portion sizes and eating better is really important but at a time when I’m trying to get through each day I’ve found that my oldest demon, comfort eating, rears its ugly head – this doesn’t help long term, in the short period in which I’m comfort eating I feel good but I’m pretty sure that my body doesn’t appreciate the rubbish I’m eating and also the weight that I might be am gaining from doing so at the same time. I find myself getting stuck in the old habits and traps which feel safe and easy but aren’t actually improving my situation at all.

I feel like this has opened a vent in my head a little, maybe I’ll write more about things at a later date, I just made a sensible choice to make something for dinner that might really benefit my health wise, so I know I can make those choices, I just have to talk myself into understanding why that is a good thing and not that I’m depriving myself of comforts, because too much comfort can suffocate me and I’m not quite ready to give up fighting yet.

I guess that’s a good sign?

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