I’ve always had a very complicated and emotional journey with food for as long as I can remember.


Old Habits


There used be a time when all I used to talk about or fret about was my weight and how I looked, I was not in a good place back then and I’ve always had a very complicated and emotional journey with food for as long as I can remember.

I have an eating disorder, and I say have, rather than had because it’s something that still effects my life to the very day, just in different ways and I think I want to try and be as honest as I can to talk about where I am with things and my own body perception at this current time.

I’m not going to recap on my whole experience of my eating disorder but mainly on the last 5-6 years and how I’ve been slowly getting worse recently, the lockdown and it’s many hexes have really messed me up.

So in 2015 I started to actually change the way I was eating and didn’t do this in a way in which I felt I needed control over it, it was slow and steady and I lost a nice amount of weight and felt a lot better about myself, I joined a gym around this time and that’s when I felt the control element of my disorder starting to knock on the door, I would make sure I went a minimum of 3 times a week and would get really angry if I couldn’t make a session, but it became an obsession for me and although I believe it was doing me good, I started thinking about just how I could change my eating to get better results and I knew the signs of my eating disorder and made myself pull away from the gym from a heavy user to a twice a week one and my weight stayed off, I was still healthy and felt in control.

And then 2020 arrived with the working from home, the isolation and the comfort eating and I now find myself at a weight I’ve never been before and its a struggle to find the right path to set out on to shift this weight, I’m noticing the negative implications to my health and I’m worried that if I don’t do anything about it that I’m going to get ill, but my biggest fear before I start changing my habits is that I’m concerned that my brain will find a controlled eating groove and I’ll fixate, I don’t think I will because I’m a lot stronger minded in some ways and I have the amazing support system that would help but it’s daunting, I’ve been looking at slimming world as an option, I loosely followed this and removed bread from my diet last time and the weight came of quite easily.

I don’t know, what do you guys think? Anyone with eating disorders out there that struggle to eat better to lose weight because they are worried they will fall into old habits?

Leave a Reply